10 Words or Less: Prometheus

Beautiful shots, genuine scares, but nothing tops the original Alien. 

On the Celluloid Couch: 8 Movie Characters Diagnosed

Perhaps it's my naturally empathetic, caring personality, but I can't help noticing that there's a shitload of movie villains out there who could really use some serious therapy. Someone needs to sit these fuckers down and give them a full psychiatric evaluation. And since nobody else has stepped up, I've taken it upon myself to diagnose some of these disturbed individuals. 

1) Hannibal Lecter
Diagnosis: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
You all know who he is: Hannibal the Cannibal, a serial killer who kills, cooks and eats people, and doesn't see anything wrong with that. What you might not know is that there's a very good reason why Dr. Lecter started dining on his fellow homo sapiens. If you read the prequel to Hannibal, Hannibal Rising, you'll learn that Hannibal was born in Lithuania in 1933 and his parents were killed in a WWII bombing. A band of starving Nazi soldiers captured him and his sister, and poor Hannibal had to watch as they killed, cooked and ate her. I think that's a pretty goddamn good reason why he's so fucked up, don't you? I'd probably start washing people's livers down with Chianti too, if that happened to me. 

2) Jason Voorhees
Diagnosis: Sadomasochism
Okay, some folks far more open-minded than I may argue that it's just a really kinky kink, not a mental disorder. But let's be honest: hacking teens to death with a machete just because they're doing the horizontal mambo is a sign of a seriously messed-up mind. I mean, it's potentially hazardous to your health (STDs, unwanted pregnancy, etc.) but it's mainly a pleasurable activity for most people. My guess is that with Jason's history (drowning as a child as a result of neglect by amorous camp counselors) he has a seriously fucked-up idea of what it means to be horny. And let's not forget his decidedly Oedipal relationship with his mother, who also had some violent tendencies of her own (such as murdering all the counselors in the first Friday the 13th film.)

3) Gollum/Smeagol
Diagnosis: Schizophrenia, Multiple Personality Disorder
This is one seriously messed-up little dude. Smeagol was just walking along, minding his own business, when this evil Ring swoops in and fucks him up enough to make him kill his best friend, live in a cave and eat raw fish until he looks like a concentration camp survivor. Schizophrenia usually involves having delusions and/or hallucinations. You can't get much more schizophrenic than talking to a little gold ring and hearing it talk back to you and tell you to do things. Neither can you expect people to trust your sanity when your alter ego is an evil little shit who tells your good side to go fuck himself on a nearly constant basis. That's enough to make anybody crazy, whether they're in Middle Earth or not.

4) Lord Voldemort
Diagnosis: Antisocial Personality Disorder / Sociopath
Sure, he's a wizard, but wizards suffer from mental disorders too. (It's okay, Harry. Really. Just go see someone. There's no shame in it.) There's no question that Voldemort's an evil son of a bitch-- he kills and tortures people for fun and generally just makes England a shitty place to live for wizards and Muggles alike. But what caused Mr. V to go all evil to begin with? He grew up in an orphanage, which was probably not great, but it wasn't, you know, horrible. Not enough to make a kid strangle bunnies and cause other kids to go stark raving mad. So what was it? 
Once in a very rare while, a person is born with little or no capacity for empathy, remorse, guilt or emotional attachment. It's a real thing-- I'm not making this up. It's called antisocial disorder and it affects approximately 1 percent of the population. Cruelty to animals can be an early sign, as can bullying, lying and the ability to manipulate and charm people. Tom Riddle exhibits all of these characteristics, as does the adult Voldemort. He doesn't have friends, he doesn't love anyone or understand love, and his dearest wish is to have control over everything. He likes killing things. 
The sad news is that people with this disorder can't usually be cured, because they don't understand why it's a problem. That being said, I think if Voldemort might have had a chance at recovery-- if Harry and Dumbledore had just given him some goddamn time to work through his shit. 

5) The Wicked Witch of the West
Diagnosis: Pyromania
This broad loves to set shit on fire. For fun. She especially seems to like scaring the bejesus out of the Scarecrow (who really had it coming to him, to be honest) by throwing balls of fire at him and setting fire to his arm. Plus she appears and disappears in a cloud of orange smoke, and sky-writes in smoke too. She's obsessed with pyrotechnics. Come to think of it, that's probably why her skin's got that nasty green tinge-- too much messing around with fireworks. 

6) Captain Barbosa
Diagnosis: Kleptomania
Greed can be your undoing, as the double-crossing first mate of the Black Pearl finds out. He and his band of pirates stole some ancient Aztec treasure that turned out to be cursed.  But why did he feel the need to steal that treasure in the first place? I mean, he's already got a shitload of gold and silver-- why does he need bronze medallions? It's gotta be psychological. Barbossa's obsession with plundering treasure, even treasure he doesn't really need but goes after just because he can, is clearly a case of kleptomania. Arr, mateys!


7) Cruella DeVille
Diagnosis: Fetishism
Don't get me wrong-- having a fetish isn't wrong in and of itself. It's when that fetish starts getting in the way of normal everyday functioning that it starts to be a problem. Cruella's totally obsessed with fur. She wears it all the time, even when it's a hundred degrees outside. Her whole business is designing fur garments, and she's in cahoots with a black market fur trader who kills tigers for her. And if you still think it's just a harmless hobby, then just listen to the woman talk: "I live for fur. I worship fur. After all, is there a woman in all this wretched world who doesn't?" That's pretty fucking obsessive. Her fixation is so out of control that she orchestrates the murdering and skinning of over a hundred adorable puppies-- just to make herself a coat. Not cool, lady. Not cool. 

8) Jaws
Diagnosis: Anorexia Nervosa
Did anybody actually stop to think about why Jaws started eating people? I mean, it's not normal for sharks to do that, despite what Steven Spielberg might have you believe. Sharks, especially great whites, like to eat super-fatty animals-- seals, sea lions, etc. Humans don't have nearly the number of calories a shark needs to stay alive. Great Whites can eat up to 11 tons of food in a year. 11 tons. That's like three or four elephants. So why the hell is Jaws on a people diet? Simple: he's got an eating disorder. He's exhibiting all the classic signs of anorexia-- eating tiny amounts of food that barely keep him alive, exercising to the point of exhaustion, and always obsessed with finding his next tiny, human-sized excuse for a meal. It's unhealthy, man. Go to rehab. 

10 Words or Less: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

You can keep the salmon; I'll take Ewan's Scottish brogue. 

10 Words or Less: Friends With Kids

Flimsy plot, funny moments, great cast. But it's no Bridesmaids. 

"Quibble Of The Titans" And Other Sequels That Never Made It To The Big Screen

Twilight 5: Ocean Tide 

Bella becomes the object of yet a third magical creature's affections: a merman named Poseidon. They have great kinky fish sex, but Poseidon can't persuade Bella to cut off her legs to become a mermaid and marry him. She goes back to Edward and settles for plain old vanilla vampire sex.

Twilight 6: Black Hole
Jacob and Edward finally kill each other; Bella finally succumbs to her crushing depression brought on by living in a climate with no exposure to vitamin D and her general emo-outlook on life, and kills herself. The Cullen clan and the Quileute tribe unite together to raise Bella's half-vampire baby, and rejoice that all that goddamn annoying-as-shit teenage angst and drama is finally over.
Twilight 7: Canis Major 
The werewolves finally come out of the closet. Seth, Jared, Embry, and Quil realize they can't ignore their pack's obvious homoerotic undertones any longer, and imprint on each other.  Their brotherly wolf love brings out some hidden prejudices in the wider werewolf community, but the tribe eventually decides to recognize gay wolf marriage and everybody's happy. The film culminates with a massive half-human, half-wolf orgy in the woods.



Shrek 5: Donkey Goes Far, Far, Away
Tired of being Shrek's sidekick and in need of money to raise his mutant donkey-dragon babies, Donkey begins his own adventure and tries to make it as an R&B singer in a Far, Far, Away nightclub. A seedy blond named Goldilocks talks him into becoming her client, but it turns out she's in cahoots with the infamous Three Bears Gang, a group of thugs who con people out of their not-to-small-not-too-big-just-right real estate properties. 3D shenanigans ensue.








Paranormal Activity 5: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before
Paranormal Activity 6: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before, but in 3D
Paranormal Activity 7: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before, but 20 Years Ago
Paranormal Activity 8: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before, but 20 Years Later
Paranormal Activity 9: The Demon Possesses Itself and Shits its Pants in Fear
Paranormal Activity 10: The Demon Accidentally Burns His Own Ouija Board and Cries
Paranormal Activity 11: The Demon Takes a Vacation and Learns to Scuba-Dive
Paranormal Activity 12: An Amateur Filmmaker Catches the Same Demon on Home Video for the Twelfth Fucking Time in a Row


Transformers 4: Shit Gets Blown Up
Transformers 5: More Shit Gets Blown Up
Transformers 6: Bolts, Bombs and Boobs
Transformers 7: Even More Shit Gets Blown Up
Transformers 8: Evil Transformers Emerge from Earth's Core, Blow Up All Remaining Shit on Earth
Transformers 9: Transformers Kill Michael Bay for Being a Summer Blockbuster Whore

Quibble of the Titans
Heated Discussion of the Titans
Lively Debate of the Titans
Harsh Words of the Titans
Bitch Slap of the Titans


'Nuff said.

10 Words or Less: The Hunger Games

Faithful but sanitized adaptation; Lawrence is pitch-perfect as Katniss. 

It's The Metaphor, Stupid! The "Mainstreamed Indie Film"

Welcome, class. Today we're going to talk about a very specific yet widely known type of movie: the "Mainstreamed Indie Film" (or MIF, if you will.)  



The formula goes something like this: A scruffy, ugly, socially awkward dude is having a mid-life or quarter-life crisis. He has no job or has a soul-sucking job, and doesn't know how to get one (or get a new one.) He has no girlfriend or has a bitchy, needy girlfriend, and doesn't know how to get one (or get a new one.)  He has an oddball best friend/brother that is an asshole but cares a lot about him. He is carrying some deep dark guilt and trauma inside him-- he was the neglected middle child, he beat up smaller kids in school, his father never spent time with him, he kicked a puppy once.  He is living a non-life. He is depressed. 



One day, he has a "meet-cute" with a girl. She is "different"-- she wears jeans with a skirt, has scraggly hair, is flighty and flaky in a way that appeals to his repressed sense of humor. Appearance-wise, she is light years out of his league, but through his socially-awkward-but-sweet-doofus routine, he wins her over and they have a series of quirky date-like outings, such prancing about in a fountain, riding a moped, playing crummy guitar or dancing stupidly, browsing through hipster clothing racks, rare bookstores, and vintage record shops. She makes him want to live again-- life is great! 


You know what I'm talking about-- movies that take the mundane shit of everyday loser life and make it seem deep and meaningful-- without requiring too much brain power from the viewer. Garden State is arguably the worst offender-- remember Zach Braff yelling into the "infinite abyss?" 

"When you're feeling pissed / Just scream into an abyss / You'll be free / From society"

Countless other films have followed the same pattern-- trying to be "different," "alternative," and "hip," they come off seeming shallow, obvious, and predictable. Movies like Greenberg, 50/50, Cyrus, Garden State, Cedar Rapids, Stranger Than Fiction, Larry Crane,  Dan In Real Life, Lars and the Real Girl, and Jeff Who Lives At Home (which is now playing at our theater and what spawned this rant in the first place.) 

We're sitting in the bathtub. Doesn't it makes us seem so endearingly quirky?

Mainstreamed Indie Film is something that might have once been an art film, but through the U.S.'s capitalist, consumer-driven culture, it has been watered down, softened, and sweetened into a story that appeals to general audiences-- it has been "mainstreamed." The MIF genre emerged in the late 1990s, mainly because that's when digital media started to become accessible and affordable to the general public. Thanks to the phenomenon of media-sharing websites like YouTube, any asshole with half a brain can make a movie and get it out there with little or no money. 



"Oh shit!" major studios like Twentieth Century Fox and Universal yelled. "If anybody can make a movie for free, we'll be out of business in a year!" So they immediately proceeded to create new "indie" divisions of their studios (Fox Searchlight and Focus Features, respectively.) "Look at us!" they bragged. "We're alternative and independent and niche-based, too! We'll pick up your weird offbeat flick and market it and distribute it so even people who don't normally watch indie films will go see it!" 


Who could say no to that, right?  And so the MIF was born. People who "don't normally watch those kinds of movies" were led to believe that they were watching a unique and unprecedented film-- mainly because it made them feel happy and justifies their self-satisfied  existence. "Oh, that guy's just like me! He's a pathetic, obese underachiever, but through a series of random encounters with quirky strangers, a cute, quirky girl, and a folksy soundtrack, he discovers that life can great!" 

"What an adorable, scruffy little hipster!"

I'm not saying ALL Mainstreamed Indie Films are bad. Some are really great-- Sideways, Up In The Air, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Before Sunrise... Who could resist the musical charms of Once?  And who could ever forget that feel-good "freaky" finale in Little Miss Sunshine?  But I think what made these movies so great was that they didn't TRY so hard to be "indie." They weren't overly self-important or arrogant in their presentation. They didn't hit us over the head with the point in every goddamn frame ("See? See?! We're doing big closeup of the main character's face as he's running! See, he's running toward his destiny! Get it, huh, get it? It's a metaphor! A METAPHOR, dumbshit!") 



Don't get me wrong-- sometimes I do want to watch a quirky flick about some guy who finds meaning through making connections with others.  Sometimes a little dose of sentimentality is good for the soul. But if that's all we watch, that's what we start to think LIFE is supposed to be like. Films also need to challenges us, to make us a little uncomfortable, a little unsettled, even a little angry or indignant. Film is like any other form of art-- a highly visual statement that has the power to change the way people see the world. Schindler's List, American History X, Citizen Kane, The Silence Of The Lambs, Taxi Driver, Pulp Fiction, Fargo, The Sixth Sense, Brokeback Mountain... Think how much influence those films had on our imaginations, our understanding of the world. 


Art film doesn't care what people think of it. It is fearless and unapologetic, even if it's not entirely sure what it's doing. It is simultaneously beautiful and gritty, subtle and bold, restrained and passionate. Art film is to Mainstreamed Indie Film as Bob Dylan is to The Wallflowers-- they're related by blood, but they aren't of the same caliber.