On the Celluloid Couch: 8 Movie Characters Diagnosed

Perhaps it's my naturally empathetic, caring personality, but I can't help noticing that there's a shitload of movie villains out there who could really use some serious therapy. Someone needs to sit these fuckers down and give them a full psychiatric evaluation. And since nobody else has stepped up, I've taken it upon myself to diagnose some of these disturbed individuals. 

1) Hannibal Lecter
Diagnosis: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
You all know who he is: Hannibal the Cannibal, a serial killer who kills, cooks and eats people, and doesn't see anything wrong with that. What you might not know is that there's a very good reason why Dr. Lecter started dining on his fellow homo sapiens. If you read the prequel to Hannibal, Hannibal Rising, you'll learn that Hannibal was born in Lithuania in 1933 and his parents were killed in a WWII bombing. A band of starving Nazi soldiers captured him and his sister, and poor Hannibal had to watch as they killed, cooked and ate her. I think that's a pretty goddamn good reason why he's so fucked up, don't you? I'd probably start washing people's livers down with Chianti too, if that happened to me. 

2) Jason Voorhees
Diagnosis: Sadomasochism
Okay, some folks far more open-minded than I may argue that it's just a really kinky kink, not a mental disorder. But let's be honest: hacking teens to death with a machete just because they're doing the horizontal mambo is a sign of a seriously messed-up mind. I mean, it's potentially hazardous to your health (STDs, unwanted pregnancy, etc.) but it's mainly a pleasurable activity for most people. My guess is that with Jason's history (drowning as a child as a result of neglect by amorous camp counselors) he has a seriously fucked-up idea of what it means to be horny. And let's not forget his decidedly Oedipal relationship with his mother, who also had some violent tendencies of her own (such as murdering all the counselors in the first Friday the 13th film.)

3) Gollum/Smeagol
Diagnosis: Schizophrenia, Multiple Personality Disorder
This is one seriously messed-up little dude. Smeagol was just walking along, minding his own business, when this evil Ring swoops in and fucks him up enough to make him kill his best friend, live in a cave and eat raw fish until he looks like a concentration camp survivor. Schizophrenia usually involves having delusions and/or hallucinations. You can't get much more schizophrenic than talking to a little gold ring and hearing it talk back to you and tell you to do things. Neither can you expect people to trust your sanity when your alter ego is an evil little shit who tells your good side to go fuck himself on a nearly constant basis. That's enough to make anybody crazy, whether they're in Middle Earth or not.

4) Lord Voldemort
Diagnosis: Antisocial Personality Disorder / Sociopath
Sure, he's a wizard, but wizards suffer from mental disorders too. (It's okay, Harry. Really. Just go see someone. There's no shame in it.) There's no question that Voldemort's an evil son of a bitch-- he kills and tortures people for fun and generally just makes England a shitty place to live for wizards and Muggles alike. But what caused Mr. V to go all evil to begin with? He grew up in an orphanage, which was probably not great, but it wasn't, you know, horrible. Not enough to make a kid strangle bunnies and cause other kids to go stark raving mad. So what was it? 
Once in a very rare while, a person is born with little or no capacity for empathy, remorse, guilt or emotional attachment. It's a real thing-- I'm not making this up. It's called antisocial disorder and it affects approximately 1 percent of the population. Cruelty to animals can be an early sign, as can bullying, lying and the ability to manipulate and charm people. Tom Riddle exhibits all of these characteristics, as does the adult Voldemort. He doesn't have friends, he doesn't love anyone or understand love, and his dearest wish is to have control over everything. He likes killing things. 
The sad news is that people with this disorder can't usually be cured, because they don't understand why it's a problem. That being said, I think if Voldemort might have had a chance at recovery-- if Harry and Dumbledore had just given him some goddamn time to work through his shit. 

5) The Wicked Witch of the West
Diagnosis: Pyromania
This broad loves to set shit on fire. For fun. She especially seems to like scaring the bejesus out of the Scarecrow (who really had it coming to him, to be honest) by throwing balls of fire at him and setting fire to his arm. Plus she appears and disappears in a cloud of orange smoke, and sky-writes in smoke too. She's obsessed with pyrotechnics. Come to think of it, that's probably why her skin's got that nasty green tinge-- too much messing around with fireworks. 

6) Captain Barbosa
Diagnosis: Kleptomania
Greed can be your undoing, as the double-crossing first mate of the Black Pearl finds out. He and his band of pirates stole some ancient Aztec treasure that turned out to be cursed.  But why did he feel the need to steal that treasure in the first place? I mean, he's already got a shitload of gold and silver-- why does he need bronze medallions? It's gotta be psychological. Barbossa's obsession with plundering treasure, even treasure he doesn't really need but goes after just because he can, is clearly a case of kleptomania. Arr, mateys!


7) Cruella DeVille
Diagnosis: Fetishism
Don't get me wrong-- having a fetish isn't wrong in and of itself. It's when that fetish starts getting in the way of normal everyday functioning that it starts to be a problem. Cruella's totally obsessed with fur. She wears it all the time, even when it's a hundred degrees outside. Her whole business is designing fur garments, and she's in cahoots with a black market fur trader who kills tigers for her. And if you still think it's just a harmless hobby, then just listen to the woman talk: "I live for fur. I worship fur. After all, is there a woman in all this wretched world who doesn't?" That's pretty fucking obsessive. Her fixation is so out of control that she orchestrates the murdering and skinning of over a hundred adorable puppies-- just to make herself a coat. Not cool, lady. Not cool. 

8) Jaws
Diagnosis: Anorexia Nervosa
Did anybody actually stop to think about why Jaws started eating people? I mean, it's not normal for sharks to do that, despite what Steven Spielberg might have you believe. Sharks, especially great whites, like to eat super-fatty animals-- seals, sea lions, etc. Humans don't have nearly the number of calories a shark needs to stay alive. Great Whites can eat up to 11 tons of food in a year. 11 tons. That's like three or four elephants. So why the hell is Jaws on a people diet? Simple: he's got an eating disorder. He's exhibiting all the classic signs of anorexia-- eating tiny amounts of food that barely keep him alive, exercising to the point of exhaustion, and always obsessed with finding his next tiny, human-sized excuse for a meal. It's unhealthy, man. Go to rehab.