Bella becomes the object of yet a third magical creature's affections: a merman named Poseidon. They have great kinky fish sex, but Poseidon can't persuade Bella to cut off her legs to become a mermaid and marry him. She goes back to Edward and settles for plain old vanilla vampire sex.
Twilight 6: Black Hole
Jacob and Edward finally kill each other; Bella finally succumbs to her crushing depression brought on by living in a climate with no exposure to vitamin D and her general emo-outlook on life, and kills herself. The Cullen clan and the Quileute tribe unite together to raise Bella's half-vampire baby, and rejoice that all that goddamn annoying-as-shit teenage angst and drama is finally over.
Twilight 7: Canis Major
The werewolves finally come out of the closet. Seth, Jared, Embry, and Quil realize they can't ignore their pack's obvious homoerotic undertones any longer, and imprint on each other. Their brotherly wolf love brings out some hidden prejudices in the wider werewolf community, but the tribe eventually decides to recognize gay wolf marriage and everybody's happy. The film culminates with a massive half-human, half-wolf orgy in the woods.
Shrek 5: Donkey Goes Far, Far, Away
Tired of being Shrek's sidekick and in need of money to raise his mutant donkey-dragon babies, Donkey begins his own adventure and tries to make it as an R&B singer in a Far, Far, Away nightclub. A seedy blond named Goldilocks talks him into becoming her client, but it turns out she's in cahoots with the infamous Three Bears Gang, a group of thugs who con people out of their not-to-small-not-too-big-just-right real estate properties. 3D shenanigans ensue.
Paranormal Activity 5: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before
Paranormal Activity 6: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before, but in 3D
Paranormal Activity 7: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before, but 20 Years Ago
Paranormal Activity 8: The Demon Possesses Another Member of the Same Family as Before, but 20 Years Later
Paranormal Activity 9: The Demon Possesses Itself and Shits its Pants in Fear
Paranormal Activity 10: The Demon Accidentally Burns His Own Ouija Board and Cries
Paranormal Activity 11: The Demon Takes a Vacation and Learns to Scuba-Dive
Paranormal Activity 12: An Amateur Filmmaker Catches the Same Demon on Home Video for the Twelfth Fucking Time in a Row
Transformers 4: Shit Gets Blown Up
Transformers 5: More Shit Gets Blown Up
Transformers 6: Bolts, Bombs and Boobs
Transformers 7: Even More Shit Gets Blown Up
Transformers 8: Evil Transformers Emerge from Earth's Core, Blow Up All Remaining Shit on Earth
Transformers 9: Transformers Kill Michael Bay for Being a Summer Blockbuster Whore
Quibble of the Titans
Heated Discussion of the Titans
Lively Debate of the Titans
Harsh Words of the Titans
Bitch Slap of the Titans
'Nuff said.
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